I always had a love for trains; their width, their height, and above all else their speed and power.  Trains move and I planned to be just like one when it came to life!  Only thing was, instead of me powering through, life hit me hard just like a train and for a while, it seemed like the only thing I could do was remain stuck on the tracks.  

If my shoelace was caught and I took off my shoes, I somehow managed to have the cuff of my shirt entangled.  After I’d take off my shirt, next thing I knew, my pants leg was ensnared.  By the time I was shirtless and pants-less, my underwear held me flat on my back and tied to the tracks.  Every move I made forward led me backward and I wore myself out trying to wiggle my underwear loose.  After a while, all I could do was lay down, say my prayers, and wait for the train to come.  

I knew it would announce my death with a blast of it’s horn.  I also knew I’d feel the end coming for me from the tremors in the ground due to the power of the train.  In my final prayers I said, “God, I know this is the end for me.  I don’t know why you’d let me die this way.  What did I do anyway?  I’m just a kid crossing the tracks to pick up some milk for my family, just like my mom asked me to.  Didn’t you say to honor her?  I’m doing what I was asked to do by the both of you and this is what I get?.....Is it because I didn’t want to go to church last Sunday?  Is it because I don’t pray until I really need something from you?  Like right now, I need you to help me get up, but if not, please don’t let me feel the pain of the train.  Or is it that you don’t like me?  Do you hate me so much that you want to see me flat on my back, tied to the tracks, no shoes, no pants, no shirt, in my underwear...”, and then it hit me!  The only thing pinning me to the tracks were my underwear.  If I could take them off then I’d be free from anything holding me back!  

It was easy enough until I wondered what will people think, say, or do when they see me naked?  What emotions will strangers feel when they see my bare skin?  They won’t be able to hear the full story and will instantly think I’m a pervert!  Will they become furious that I decided to show myself this way or will they humiliate me by recording my jewels bouncing all over the place and posting it?  Oh and uhhh, about the jewels.. I thought they’d be bigger by now or I’d at least get to use one of them!  I guess you want me to die a virgin too, huh God?!  You want me to die a virgin?!......What if children are outside?  If they’ve never been exposed to seeing someone naked, I sure don’t want to be their first introduction.  What’s going to happen when the police show up and I’m thrown in the back of the car to be charged with indecent exposure or worse?....What’s my mom going to say God?  She’s my biggest concern of all!  How can  I explain leaving fully dressed and coming home with nothing on?  Hopefully she’ll see that I still got a chance to pick up the milk instead of reaching for anything she can get her hands on to hit me with.  For a second, I wanted to face anyone else and die by train than to deal with my mom.  She loved me hard, but she tolerated no nonsense even harder!  

The train was getting closer.  

I couldn’t see it yet, but I could feel it and needed to make a decision!  Do I stay here and die or face the humiliation that comes with the fight to keep living?  Maybe this whole thing wasn’t all God’s fault.  I mean, I’m literally tied to train tracks by my underwear only and I’m debating on the chance for freedom because it comes with being naked.  So what if people don’t understand right away!  When they finally hear my story, they’ll say they would’ve done the same; if they ever hear my story.  What if I bring my mom and the cops right back to this place to show them my clothes burned and torn?  Wait!  Burned?  Yes!  BURNED!  I forgot that in order for trains to move, the tracks have to come alive and the fact alone added another level of agonizing pressure.  I’ll be electrocuted THEN dismembered!

The train was getting closer.

I started to feel the ground shake instead of tremor and I knew that any second could be my last.  I started to sweat at the thought of dying twice.  Suppose I survive the shock,  but not the hit?  What if I survive the hit, but not the shock?  Suddenly, the idea of surviving rushed my mind and it woke me up.  If I could think of surviving either hit at a time like this, then in my heart I’m not ready to die.  I want to live even if it means people will see all of me and judge me for all I am and all I’m not.  Either I face my worst fear or I die, possibly twice.  

When the nose of the train car peered in my view, I had finally decided one pain outweighed the other.  

(Stay tuned!)

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